I get called that alot. Am I that misguided that what I feel I do selflessly and for others is actually self-serving manipulation? I see myself as a giving, caring person, most times doing things for my friends benefit. But maybe I've managed to delude myself into seeing it that way like the Inqusitors thought they were doing God's work.
I've got a hunch it stems from my jealousy. I really wish I could be one of those people who could say "fuck it all", but I can't manage that. I see people, my friends, co-workers, even strangers, and I want what they have. Not their things, I really could care less about a fancy car and a nice house. I want their relationships. Friendship, romance, I need these things. Its my fault I don't have them though. I'm too condescending, too much of a jerk, a consummate asshole. thats why I'm not close to anyone, not even my own family, and I have no clue how to fix it. Maybe I don't even want to fix it. As much as I desire a change, I'm entirely too apathetic to do anything about it.
So I just sit in my pot of selfishness, jealousy, and righteous indignation and stew, which just makes it that much worse. I'm constantly snapping at people, angry all the time, and I harbor a general feeling of "everyone should fuck off and die" that apparently makes me rather repellent to most people. Whatever. Fuck off and die.
Which probably isnt the best way to end one of these things, but I think it accurately conveys the thought I'm going for here.
I just don't want to be so alone anymore, and I can't seem to change that. (That's a recurring theme when I do things like this. Its a pretty big part of what goes on in my mind daily.)
sunlight in the winter
7 years ago
2 comments:
i agree with everything. sadly.
and for all the talks and hours of attempted solutions nothing seems to change with you.
im only full of cliches now.
silly concentrated idiocies as they are.
dont worry.
it will all work out.
give it time.
and such.
but you would only hiss at me and slink away in the cloud of grumpiness and self loathing that is you.
theres nothing anyone can do to fix selfishness and greed.
i can however offer time and equal anger to show im not going anywhere but rather im going to piss you off until you manage a weak smile.
afterwords ill smoke all of your cigarettes and well go home annoyed.
dont worry.
thats a perfect day for us old friend.
come on matt, this blog is evident in how it goes to show any attempt on your part to envy relationships of others will only lead to you becoming that 'world' that you want to fuck off with. it's true. you end up becoming that poor schmuck with a nice car & house, and what can you do? you despise it, but you want it....like the forbidden fruit of sorts. who knows, because i sure as fuck don't have it figured. good blog.
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