Work, Lectures, and Fuck You, too

Today was kinda interesting. I realized how dangerous my job actually is. A 78 year old man nearly shot me with a .357 mag revolver. I didn't think much of it at the time, but damn it, this is America, the safety instructions are in English, and I'm not translating the safety brief into Spanish. So when I ask you to NOT re load your weapon after I unload it for you to bring to the line, don't get all offended when I put my hand on the pistol on my hip when you don't obey (or understand) the instructions of the Safety Officer when he tells you to quit pointing a freakin Dirty Harry revolver at him.

On the flip side to that, I ran into what may be the greatest demonstration of the Second Amendment today. A man walked in to shoot his brand new pistol. When i took his ID, it was one of those under 21 sideways cards. So i check the date. Here's a man who, on the day of his 21st birthday, woke up and came down to buy a pistol. Sure it was a Glock (ewww), but its like the economy car of pistols. Affordable, copious plastic, and limited styling options. I shook his hand and congratulated him.

Now right previously to all this congratulating and nearly being shot in the face, a vendor walked in. He was killing time while he waited to talk to the owner, so me and the boss shot the shit. Turns out that before he sold (OSHA approved) earmuffs, he worked for OSHA. had a couple things to say about that. Namely, how not a single one of em knew the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. he used to give classes and lectures to inspectors, and hed always ask about it. Its incredibly prevalent all over the planet, available in the wild, though you can get much higher quality through the commecial market, and in some places, (though maybe not as pure as commerical-grade) through an underground distribution system. As soon as the vendor said "dihydrogen monoxide" I cracked up. My boss thought it was serious til I explained that it's water. He retaliated with a story about stupid inspectors forgetting that they will be shot for wandering into restricted areas of air force bases housing nukes.

The best part of the day was when I grilled the vendor on earmuffs. See, I've got funny-shaped ears or somethin, and I cant seem to find muffs that I can wear comfortably for extended periods. earplugs are ok, but with the constant in and out they do, it increases the risk of an ear infection, and the constant pressure on the ear drum can be damaging too. He said "Just a sec, I'll bring you something." He handed me some muffs that were a little larger than normal, but I tried em out for about an hour, nearly died, and said "Hey, these are great! It dosnt hurt!" He woulda let me keep em, but they were his only demo pair. Not much call for specialty things like that. not a problem to order em. and since its work related, I get em for dealer invoice!


Now I'm trying to think of some interesting observation of the human condition to put here, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something that hasn't been done to death and isn't completely inane or hypocritical. Ah well, maybe one day I'll be a sophisticated blogger who can edit and embed witty images for the perfect visual aides to a post that will make everyone go "OMG! Thats SO true, and SO funny!". Yes jon, thats a shot at you. I'm jealous. That bumper sticker thing was the shit, and Steph wouldn't let me comment. Here's my sticker though:


I thought it was hilarious, but apparently I'm only funny in my own head, and when I make Goatse jokes (DON'T google it! I beg you! if you don't know, you don't want to know!).

But hey, I'm not that big of an asshole.

"Drop 5-0, fire for effect"

Selfish

I get called that alot. Am I that misguided that what I feel I do selflessly and for others is actually self-serving manipulation? I see myself as a giving, caring person, most times doing things for my friends benefit. But maybe I've managed to delude myself into seeing it that way like the Inqusitors thought they were doing God's work.

I've got a hunch it stems from my jealousy. I really wish I could be one of those people who could say "fuck it all", but I can't manage that. I see people, my friends, co-workers, even strangers, and I want what they have. Not their things, I really could care less about a fancy car and a nice house. I want their relationships. Friendship, romance, I need these things. Its my fault I don't have them though. I'm too condescending, too much of a jerk, a consummate asshole. thats why I'm not close to anyone, not even my own family, and I have no clue how to fix it. Maybe I don't even want to fix it. As much as I desire a change, I'm entirely too apathetic to do anything about it.

So I just sit in my pot of selfishness, jealousy, and righteous indignation and stew, which just makes it that much worse. I'm constantly snapping at people, angry all the time, and I harbor a general feeling of "everyone should fuck off and die" that apparently makes me rather repellent to most people. Whatever. Fuck off and die.

Which probably isnt the best way to end one of these things, but I think it accurately conveys the thought I'm going for here.

I just don't want to be so alone anymore, and I can't seem to change that. (That's a recurring theme when I do things like this. Its a pretty big part of what goes on in my mind daily.)

a snippet, briefly

this isnt the beginning, its just what came to mind first.

A doctor's appointment in 50 minutes, fear of needles and tingling down my legs. the familiar early-morning acid churning in my stomach. I woke up in a cold sweat, forcing myself out of bed, moving before I'm really awake. My body will get there, my mind will shake off the shackles of sleep en route. It's an old trick mastered by dangerous, driven men. I'm neither of those now, only seldom driven to the metallic click of a zippo and smoke curling between my fingers.

But onward, going through the motions with my mind like a rider dead in the saddle, the horse knows what to do. Wash off the film of stale sweat and the oppressive weight of too many mistakes. They cling to me like an insulating cape of filth.

Time to go. Maybe it wont be so bad. Maybe it'll be worse. Wont know until I get there. Am I awake yet?